An older gentleman said this to my wife and I as they passed by our table. But let me set the stage:

Seated at our table was myself, my wife, and our three daughters of 4, 2, and 6 months old. We had arrived at the local diner upon opening at 8:00AM and had waited over 45 minutes for our food to arrive. 

In that time, our daughters became restless and began whining and admittedly got a little loud at times. Although they are normally pretty good in public, we believed this exception to be a product of having to wait a longer time than usual for their fries to arrive.

As an older gentleman and an elderly woman (presumably his mother) walked by our table to leave, she exclaimed, “Manners, manners, manners!!”

Then the man said, “That’s so annoying, you guys. So annoying!” 

He then proceeded to tell us they had 3 grandchildren and they NEVER acted like that, and we should be ashamed.

The Parent Shaming Experience

Generally, you hear about things like this happening. I’ve heard it called parent-shaming or mom-shaming. As parents, I think we naturally do our best not to disturb other people in public when our children get a little out of hand. However, we don’t really expect someone to ACTUALLY say something to us about it. After all, haven’t they been in a similar situation with their children before?

However, according to a 2017 poll conducted by Michigan Medicine’s C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital, almost two-thirds of mothers have been mom-shamed about their parenting techniques. 

To be honest, the story I just told you was our first time to experience something like this. The results? Embarrassment. Shock. Anger. These are the things that go through our minds when our parental identities are challenged. 

Make no mistake. When things like this happen, it is your identity that is under attack. The message is, “You aren’t good parents because you allow your children to act like that.” The person who is giving us that message does not have any knowledge of anything leading up to it, they simply have to go on what they see. They have already put us in a box, the bad parent box, and proceeded to act and treat us accordingly. They don’t know that we just finished an exhausting week of work, our infant kept us up almost all night every night for the past 6 months, and we’re still figuring out this whole parenting thing out in general. 

Why Do These Things Bother Us?

So why does this judgment by someone have such an effect on us as to give us a wave of negative emotions that can carry on with us for hours? It’s because identity attacks are often the worst because they attack what we believe, or want to believe about ourselves. We want to believe we are good parents, but we also know there are areas where we are failing. Therefore, our belief that we are good parents can be in doubt when challenged. I’m not talking about the truth here, I’m talking about perception. If you’re secure in your parental role, and don’t place as much emphasis on your parental identity, these types of interactions may not affect you as deeply.

What I would like to impart to you today is to not allow these subjective identities (identities others try to place on you) dictate how you will react or what you will do.

The idea and deeper definition of subjective identities are laid out in my book, True Worth: Identity in Christ.

Subjective Vs. Objective Identities

“Let me introduce a distinction between subjective and objective identity.

Subjective identities are things people (us or others) believe about us that we try to uphold. If we allow this to be our focus, we are allowing what others think about us to become our reality. Objective identities are facts about who we are. These are things we cannot change. When the two worlds of subjective and objective combine, others will attempt to impose identities on us based on objective realities. This is a dangerous place to be because it seems to be rooted in truth.”

True Worth: Identity in Christ p.61

Given our current story, what does that mean? 

Objective identity: I am a parent (This is a fact, which cannot be changed)

Subjective identity: I am a parent, therefore I should act like ______. (This is an idea of what it’s supposed to mean to be a parent) 

Do you see the subtle difference?

Here’s an example: If we were too embarrassed to allow our children to make noise in public because people might think we were bad parents, we might start reaching for our cell phones to get them to be quiet.  (Which is something we’ve decided we won’t do.) I’m not making the case against it here, I’m simply saying we would be doing something to appease onlookers in order to protect our identity. (If you would like an article about the effects screen-time has on our children, here’s a recent article we published that addresses that.) However, in that attempt to protect our identity, we would have actually undermined our identity. Because we believe we shouldn’t be using our cellphones to make them behave, we would be going against our beliefs.

Be Encouraged! Don’t Give In To The Parent Shaming 

I want to encourage you to reject the need to appease the judgment of onlookers, whether imagined or not, and continue within your true identity. Decide on how you will raise your children and don’t allow outsiders to change your standards. 

One more note: I don’t want this to come off as judgmental. If you have decided that you want your children to use electronics, etc. that is your choice. The point still stands, don’t allow outside judgments to make you change who you are.

As always, I want to bring this full circle back to what God has to say. When it comes to our children, He says, “Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from Him.” -Psalm 127:3.

These precious gifts have been entrusted to you for a reason and for a mighty purpose for Him. Do not allow your doubts and insecurities to question your identity in Christ as His chosen child. You have been chosen for such a parenting role as this!

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